here is your gentle reminder that there are dandelions growing through cracks in the sidewalk. there is a lizard on the porch who is growing a new tail. there are trees growing through an abandoned house, branches tearing through the ceiling, ferns carpeting the floor. there is life pushing forward, pushing through.
I literally cannot imagine a life outside of illnesses. Without waking up every morning to take my pills on time so my body can work like it should, without having to keep myself from doing the things I want to do because I’ll get dizzy and nauseated later, pretending I hear every word of a conversation without having to worry about when my next appointment will be.
“Do you want to talk about it or be distracted from it” is honestly the best thing you can say to anyone when they are sad/in pain/having a flare… etc.
I have people in my life that believe I shouldn’t have pets. Because they take extra energy, they cause messes, they cost extra money etc.. But I know for a fact there are days that I wouldn’t have made it through without my animals complaining at me to get up because they needed something. Days I would have sooner let the world swallow me whole than move my body an inch.
I talk to them during the day so I don’t feel so lonely, I eat my meals with them hovering close by. They regulate my life and force me to do certain tasks at certain times. It makes me sad that I sometimes can’t give them everything I would wish to, but they have been more helpful to my mental health than anything else I’ve found.
Here’s something I’ve learned recently: when things feel like they fit perfectly into your life, there’s a reason for it. You have to listen to that urge that’s saying “this is what you’re supposed to be doing,” even if it’s not what you thought you wanted.
This is super relevant to chronic illness because we are constantly reevaluating our lives. What are we capable of today, this week, this month? How will that change? It’s hard to know.
So when we find something that feels right, that suits our abilities and interests, we need to hold onto it, whether that’s in terms of work, hobbies, or interpersonal relationships.
Don’t try to force things to fit when they don’t anymore. Sometimes things change, and your old plan isn’t going to fit your new lifestyle. But the beautiful thing is that you will find something else that fits you, and you will know it when you find it.
It will just fit.
oh, darling. you rest your bones after a long day spent and mindlessly lose yourself in who you once were but haven’t been for a long time. oh, love. you rest your mind finding misery in who you are now but don’t want to be any longer. oh, warrior. you need to stop fighting so you can be ready for who you will become and existing peacefully and authentically is finally in the cards for you and your hard work has paid off.
The worst kind of crying is not the kind where you grab your tummy trying to silence your cry. The worst, saddest, most painful crying is the kind where the pain is so great it echoes through your bone and escapes through your mouth. The kind where your nose gets so blocked you need to gasp for air. The kind where the tears never really stop dropping. That’s the saddest crying.